The purpose of this section as you know is to place
a smile on your face, and the faces of our viewers. Please be part of this
and submit your jokes to us with one condition that the jokes you submit
do not include sexual or racist remarks.
If a joke is published here and you were offended by
it, please inform us and we will publish it in our monthly magazine!,
"just joking" we will remove it. Once again thank you and keep these jokes
coming!.
To place your jokes please
click here.
Enjoy!!! ... 1
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Joke 1 : A little
old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been
here in your office!. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell
and they are silent"
The doctor thought for a second, smiled and said to her "I see, take
these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...they stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing. top
Submitted by Maria
Maniquez / Los Angeles, USA
Joke 2 : The Pope and the Queen of England
are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness,
however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting,
the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave
of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits
rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could
do.
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little
wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go crazy with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,
but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day
and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
top
Submitted by: The
Mad Irish
Joke 3 : There were three guys sitting
behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns,
to get them to move. So the first one says to the others (loud enough for
the nuns ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are
only 100 Catholics living there... " . The second guy speaks up and
says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are
only 25 Catholics living there..."
One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly
says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."
top
Submitted by Maria Maniquez
/ Good Friday Joke - Los Angeles, USA
Joke
4: A young Pinoy "Filipino" calling
long distance from the Philippines to the
United States, he dials 0 and the long distance company AT&T
operator comes on the line..
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans
da youus, plis.
Operator: Name and number of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of
my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a
time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel
is Elpidio Abanquel. I will
spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as
in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport,
B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba,
U as in... Europe, E as in... Important and L as in... Elephant.
top
Submitted by Cherry
Albano / Pinoy only Joke - Lomita, CA. USA
Joke
5: Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them they can enter Heaven if they can answer one simple
question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and we are thankful for..."
"Wrong!" interrupts St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her
she's wrong and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,
"What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know
what Easter is."
"Oh?" say St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration
of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus
was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made
to wear a crown of thorns and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight..........
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that
Jesus can come out... and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks
of winter.
top
Submitted by J. Bautista / Easter according to the
Blonde - Eagle Rock, CA. USA
Joke 6: A pregnant
woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is
no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks
the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew" he replied.
Submitted by Casey Jenkins
/ New Jersey - USA..
top
Joke 7: There are three guys and they are out
having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who
begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the
guys just doesn't believe it, and says: OK if you can really grant wishes,
then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting
Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second
guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says:
"Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems
that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry,
etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that
he says to the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says:
"You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a
wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you
to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change
your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million
dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted
on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid
sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.
Submitted by a Nancy H.
/ Los Angeles - USA.
top
Joke 8: A middle aged woman had a heart attack and
was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it".? God said, "No, I
am sending you back.? You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days? to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc.? She even had
her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair color before she
was released from the hospital.? She figured that, since she had such a long
life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it.
She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street
she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed. Arriving in front
of God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had another forty years
left to live.? What happened?" god replied,
"I didn't recognize you.
Submitted by a Sami Harkous
/ New York - USA.
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